I pray every day, well almost every moment, to have more faith and to trust God through everything. Some days it is easy and other days I just have to pray harder.
We are faithfully trusting God through our adoption. We get updates from the agency about how many times they have mailed out our profile and we continue to pray that God will touch a mother's heart to pick us, to pick us to raise their child, to love their child, to teach their child right from wrong, and mostly to show their child how to love God and love others.
As we wait we continue to hear, "How are you doing through all the waiting" and we are doing well. I enjoy the moments of quiet in the morning that I know will pass with a child entering our lives, I enjoy the time to pray and be with Todd, I enjoy the time to think about the future but enjoy the present time as well. But as we wait the thing I enjoy the most is hearing God speak. I hear God reassure me moment after moment that His timing is perfect, His way is right, and He holds me like someday I will hold my baby.
One morning I was doing devotions and God spoke through them and I wanted to share the devotion with you. The devotion comes out of the book Miracles by Karen Kingsbury and it is titled "God's Ways."
"They are the children God has graciously given your servant." Genesis 33:5
After four miscarriages, Margaret and Bill Jefferson endured a daily sense of loss that was cavernous. They had been married six years and wanted babies desperately. Having tried just about everything, they were running out of medical options.
Finally Bill began praying that Margaret would find a friend, someone who might understand her pain, the desperation to be a mother one day. Not long afterward, Margaret signed up to be part of a book club at her church. There she met a woman who shared Margaret's sorrow of multiple miscarriages.
It was Joanne who asked Margaret if they had considered adoption. Margaret had always pictured their babies coming from her and Bill- not from a stranger. "Is that how you...?"
"Yes" Joanne grinned. "We adopted two sister, who wouldn't have had a chance otherwise."
"How can you... how do you love them as your own?"
"They are my own. If God puts a child in our homes, that child is our own for as long as God desires. They're all on loan, when you think about it."
Margaret let the idea sink in. All children belong to God. His to give, his to take, on loan for a season. That night she asked Bill, "Honey, what do you think about adoption?"
"I've thought about it, but guess I've been afraid. I had a teacher who was so excited about adopting a little boy, but the birth mother changed her mind."
"So the adoption fell through. How awful."
"Yeah, she was never the same after that."
"That's why you never brought it up?"
"I guess. Even talking about it makes me think about the possibilities for disappointment."
That part sounded terrifying to Margaret also. But certainly birth mothers didn't change their minds often. "God knows what he's doing," she would tell Bill over the following weeks. "He knows we couldn't stand that kind of loss. Maybe we should look into it a little more."
Finally they contacted a private adoption attorney and shared their fears.
The attorney shared his understanding of their feelings. "It's up to me how I match up up. You can be sure the adoption is almost 100 percent risk-free."
Almost 100 percent. The phrase caught on the edges of Margaret's nerves. The fact was, she and Bill could only pin all their hopes on God. He alone knew what they could tolerate.
Six months after finishing their home study, the attorney called them to his office. He had located a twenty-four-year-old birth mother, who'd given up one other child two years earlier. Her notes in the file explained that she didn't believe in abortion, but she had no interest in being a mother.
The adoption would be open, something the birth mother had requested. Margaret and Bill were fine with that, believing a woman who had thought things through to that point would be more likely to stand by her decision. Besides, the woman had already given up one child. The odds were as good as they could get.
Months passed and they learned that the woman's baby was a girl. Aware that their little girl would be coming home in just five weeks, they named her Brianna Suzanne, and decorated her bedroom and counted the days.
Finally the call came. "She's in labor. If you get down to the hospital, you'll have a chance to see your daughter as soon as she's born."
A lump filled Margaret's throat. They'd lost four babies, but they wouldn't lose this one. "God's so good. I knew it would all work out."
Bill nodded. "Isn't it amazing? Miraculous."
On the way to the hospital, the two of them went over the attorney's instructions. They could visit with the baby while she was in the hospital and as often as they wanted during the forty-eight-hour period when the birth mother could change her mind.
When Margaret and Bill entered the waiting room, their attorney was there, talking with the doctor and the social worker. Something was obviously wrong.
As their attorney led them into the hallway, Margaret's heart was pounding in her throat. He sighed hard. "The birth mother's wavering."
Margaret thought she was dreaming. The'd done everything they could to avoid this. "Wavering?"
Bill leaned against the wall. The impossible had happened, just the way he'd feared, and now he looked drained of all hope. "So it's a done deal?"
"Not entirely. Her first baby was a boy, and apparently she never wanted a boy. And when she found out this baby was a girl, she didn't believe it. Now, she's saying all her life she's wanted a daughter. But it might just be last-minute jitters."
Three hours later the terrible news they'd been dreading was confirmed. The birth mother was adamant and apologetic but she wanted to keep her baby.
The couple left the hospital in a fog. Margaret wanted to pray but she couldn't. The loss was just as great as every miscarriage- a silent sort of grief and loss other people seldom understand.
For weeks after losing the baby girl, Margaret thought about the child. What sort of life would she have? The questions were so daunting, the loss so great, she had no interest in starting the process over again. She and Bill decided they would shelve the idea of parenting for now. If God didn't want them to raise a child, they couldn't do anything to force the issue.
But one day three months later, the social worker called, "I've got another baby girl. She was born a week ago and apparently the family she was headed for had already been given another child. So this baby girl is your if you're interested. The mother waived her rights to the child. There is no danger of a change of plans."
Bill and Margaret looked at each other and their answer was immediate. "Yes."
Overnight, they were the parents of an angel baby, a child they named Brianna Suzanne. God had answered their prayer after all. But they didn't realize the true miracle until they took a call from the social worker six months later.
"I have some bad news. The child you lost out on had a rare heart condition. She died last week."
The news hit Margaret like a baseball bat in the stomach. She sat down, cradling her daughter close to her chest. "I'm sorry. Please... tell the mother we'll pray for her."
When the conversation was over, Margaret remembered her prayer. Please, God... we can't lose another child. She studied her daughter's small features and tried to imagine losing her now, after six months. God knew they could not handle that. And instead God brought them Brianna Suzanne, a miracle baby in more ways than they had known until that morning.
"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14